All roles, no play

But of course, there is another side to all goodness with Butch. The deal is: she wants someone born with high heels and I’m too versatile, careless and queer to match that profile of lipstick-femme always ready to please. Of course, I never searched for fundamentalist butch either, and we are ill-assorted to each other in this respect. Then again, I don’t see the problem as severe as she does. I don’t care about what she wears, how she identifies, what her gender presentation is at any given moment. She seems to mind, to the extent that she actually said to me, at one point, that she feels misled with me not being femme proper. Come on! To me that sounds bollocks all the way down, but I need to appreciate her straight-forwardness and honesty.
In case having someone ultra femme is so important to her, all she has to do is go and look for one. We can compromise on some things, such as she stop putting me into this tiny femme box in her mind, and I start wearing more clothes to her liking every now and then, but we cannot change each other one bit. This is a casual and open relationship, albeit a serious one, and she’s got all freedom in the world to seek after what she feels is important to her butch identity.
So simple, and yet hurtful. To think about how much work it has taken to feel this easy with my body, with my gender presentation, with my queer orientation, and then a loved one wanting me to stuff it all down and present myself as a doll-like traditional woman, not appreciating me as I am. God it sucks.

Yesterday was good with the long-time lover. We talked about sex for hours, kissed and cuddled. She knows my weak spots and challenges and I have a great appreciation for her, although I’m crap at expressing these things. Definitely we laugh a lot like only those who have tried and failed for three years and had some amazing moments along the way can. I suppose we still have a sexual appetite for each other and it’s often close to having sex when we’re together, but it’s better to leave it stand as it is. There is too much attachment between us and a need to gain more independency in order not to fall on that famous lesbian symbiosis. Ever heard about that, folks?

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